TROUBLE IN PARADISE

Ilene is on strike from showering. She claims it's because she's afraid it will "make her too cold." I think it's because she's worried I may be masturbating in the bathtub. Hey, some fears in life are completely reasonable!

No, seriously, I would tell her if I were doing such things. Even though she would almost certainly demand that I scour the tub using a combination of a toothbrush and my tongue. What's more, I would have to pretend to enjoy it. I'm not prepared to do either of these things.

Now, all I have to do is come up with a believable explanation for all those laminated copies of Hustler scattered throughout the bathroom...