THE WILD, WILD WORLD OF ONLINE DATING

A female friend of mine recently joined the online sexual headhunting site match.com. Naturally, I have made it my task to get her into as much trouble on this dating site as I possibly can. To her credit, she's been almost as enthusiastic about this project as I have. So when she started receiving email messages from potential male suitors, I knew what we had to do: find the most objectionable fellow and send him furiously inappropriate missives. I was somewhat thwarted in my quest by the fact that my friend is, shamefully, deeply attracted to some of the worst offenders that have contacted her, but we did find one poor sap who combined douchebag tendencies with a shapeless, pasty face and corpulent body. Since he was too pathetic to date and useless to fuck, she agreed to let me have some fun with him. In response to his query, "what are you looking for in a partner?" I dictated to her the following reply:

Before we go any further, there is something i need to know: If I strap one on, will you go ass-to-mouth? I'm into the kink thing. My perfect Saturday night involves latex body suits, candle wax, japanese rope bondage, breath play, and other sub-dom role playing scenarios. Then, after waking in a pool of our own piss, sweat, cum, and spittle, I'd fix us hamdingers for breakfast and we'd eat them while watching old episodes
of MacGyver.

Can you dig it?

Tootles!

Poor desperate idiot, he actually responded that he wasn't sure he could accomodate my friend's predilections, but that he wished her all the luck in finding a suitable partner for whom erotic asphyxiation and active dildo play were just another day at the sexual office. I must say, it was kind of disappointing to have someone reply to our wretched excess with such a positive, affirming gesture. Damn but these match.com people are serious about finding love. Me, all I want is someone to go ass-to-mouth. No, dammit, what I meant to say was that I'm looking for love, too!! Ass-to-mouth is totally negotiable!!

But not the rope bondage. That's my thing. If she won't allow me to truss her up like a Thanksgiving turkey and drip hot candle wax on her hoo-ha, she'll never be my everything.