RECENT DEVELOPMENTS

Much to relate from the front lines here at Clark and Wrightwood. To wit:

- Ilene recently broke a four-day embargo on showering in order not to grossly offend during a job interview. There was much rejoicing from all quarters of Apartment #515.

- My car was towed from a CVS pharmacy parking lot in Lakeview and I had to venture all the way to Skokie to retrieve it (more on this later... maybe.)

- We at 607 West Wrightwood have developed several new product concepts. Can't give away all our trade secrets right now, but I'll drop one on you for free, because, hell, nobody loves you like I do. Here it is:

Celebrity menstrual blood sausages.

You know how you always find yourself craving blood sausages at odd hours? And everybody digs celebrities and wants to score their body fluids regardless of cost. If you're like me, you sometimes find yourself torn between wanting to cook up a mess of blood sausages and trolling ebay, looking for authenticated jars of Dom Deluise's liposuction fat and Gwen Stefani's placental fluid. If only you could combine these two pursuits into one! Well, anguish no longer, because Ilene and I are about to make your dreams a reality. Soon you'll be able to sit down to a plateful of delicious dark sausage links made from the catamenic secretions of Angelina Jolie and Jenna Jameson! Let your inner gourmand revel in the subtle differences of taste and texture between your favorite actresses. Train your palate to distinguish between the tangy, youthful effluent of Emma Watson, the mature, funky flavor and chunky texture of Madonna, and the elegant, smooth, yet irresistibly racy Anne Hathaway. For Lucy Liu we took the classic recipe and added ginger and five-spice powder for that authentic Oriental flavor. And we think you'll find Selma Hayek's habanero-studded blood chorizo to be every bit as spicy and assertive as the fiery-tempered actress herself. ¡¡Que rico!! Makes my mouth water just thinking about it. Finally, for those of you counting calories and watching your waistlines, we even offer a line of "skinny" celebrity black puddings from the highly irregular menses of Mary-Kate Olsen and Victoria Beckham.

Not only are these sausages great for either a casual meal at home or dressed up as part of a fancy multi-course dinner, they make great gifts as well. Do you have a frightfully creepy uncle or older cousin, the kind of guy who lives alone despite his 40-plus years and has nude teen candids as his computer screen saver? Really, that many? Isn't it alarming how many of these guys are out there? Then of course you know how difficult it is to think of good gift ideas for these fellows come the holidays - gifts that won't immediately be thrown in the wastebin or converted into storage units for pornography. With Ilene's and my new line of artisanal black puddings, you can buy presents for them confident in the knowledge that they'll love your gift the way a feral dog loves to roll in the greasy, maggot-encrusted carcass of a deceased woodchuck.

I don't want to give the game away, but the next step is to put together tasteful sampler packages à la Hickory Farms, combining our line of sausages with a selection of unpasteurized celebrity breastmilk cheeses and evaporated sweat boutique salts. Can you say 'corporate clients?' Forget flowers and fruit baskets; our samplers are the real way to leave a lasting impression with your most important business partners.

Speechless? I believe the words you're looking for are: "thank you!" Well, you're so very welcome. Let me take this opportunity to thank you, our customers, as well. We love our work, and that's why we keep doing what we do, in spite of all those civil lawsuits from California and 'cease and desist' letters from the FDA.